Rainbow Colored Bleach
by nessa17
Summary: Hilarious comedy about just how homo the bleach can get. Contains language, sexuality and crude humor. Not suitable for children and homophobes.
1. Kenpachi's Surprise Toy

This story is my dear lazy friend's, and I hope you enjoy it. Because I know I sure enjoyed it. And here's the firs installment.

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Bleach Chp. 1

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Kenpachi taichou secretly walks up to Mayuri's lab, breaking a sweat with every turn of his head! "Goddammit! There better not be anyone following me! Or I'll take these bells on my head, and shove it up their asses!".

Kenpachi walks into the humongous, dark lab. He sees Mayuri taichou hovering over his computer. He gets a little closer and sees that Mayuri's watching hidden cameras of Ishida taking a shower. "Mayuri! Get your ass over here right now with my 'experimental device'." Mayuri jumps up, walks into the dark, then walks back with a long, rectangular box in his hands.

"Here it is Kenpachi, fresh out the machine's anus." Mayuri opens up the box. "I present to you the Ichi-Prostate-Tickler 3000! It comes with an anal stimulation tip, penis massager, customized vibrating bullets in the shape of Ichigo's balls, and 500 vibration settings proven to tentalate the most hard-to-get orange head".

Mayuri quickly closed the box. Kenpachi shrieked like a little schoolgirl. His neck is covered in dribbling drool. "Fantastic! This would get me that hot Ichigo with that puny sword. Oh when he beat me with that sword I nearly lost it".

Mayuri shrugged. "I don't go for Irish Inuyasha wannabes. Personally I prefer the intellectual types... like Ishida. Mmmm do you see the way he handles his glasses? They keep slipping down, and he keeps pushing them up. Slipping down, and pushing them up. Slipping down and pushing them up! That's why I put so many cameras in his body...."

"I do not want to hear all this sissified mess! Just give me my box!" Kenpachi reached out for the box, but Mayuri quickly moved his hands away. "Bitch, where's my money? You think this is free? You think I spend my whole day making money! For your information I spend MOST of my day making money. The store where I get my makeup caught on to my counterfeits, so I need your money! That'll be 50,000 yen!" said Mayuri.

"Uch, fine then! Here's your money!" Kenpachi exchanges the money for the box. "Now go away," Mayuri said. "I need to let my 'daughter' out to go pee". Kenpachi takes the box and slides it into his fukata. Kenpachi pokes his head out of the lab and searches for any people walking around. "Coast is clear, Sargent!".

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He runs quickly to his room, but makes one last check before he walks in. Unfortunately, Yumichika saw Kenpachi running out of Mayuri's lab suspiciously. "Oooh, I wonder what my man is hiding from me. I know he knows my birthday is coming up soon" said Yumichika. Once Kenpachi walks in, Yumichika decides to interrogate. Yumichika stands at the entrance to Kenpachi's room, admiring his big ass as he's hovering over his chest. "Kenpachi taichou, may I please come in?"

Startled, Kenpachi slams the chest door down, and turns around. "Who are you? Yumichika?! What in God's lush, green, heterosexual earth do you want?!"

Yumichika walks into Kenpachi's room, with a big grin on his face. "Oh my goodness. What the hell is that on your eyelashes! You look like Big Bird at Gay Pride! If you're looking for your partner, the Cookie Monster's robbing some convenience store for some tampons and cookies somewhere," said Kenpachi. Yumichika had no choice but to be turned on by Kenpachi's stern, yet totally gay, rant. "I have a birthday coming up soon, and I was wondering if you'd like to come to my party," said Yumichika.

"Yes, I'd love to come. Will there be faeries? Will there me magical unicorn rides and Byakuya tickling everyone with his cherry blossoms? Sign me up right away! Yeah right! Now get out of here, I got business to take care of!"

Biting his lower lip in excitement, Yumichika prances out of Kenpachi's room! "Oh my goodness, he's coming to my party! That was a definite yes." Hiding behind a corner, Yumichika watches Kenpachi storm out of his room and yelling "Why do the queerosexuals flock to MY division? All the time! ".

Yumichika prances back into Kenpachi's room. "Ah, the chest!". Yumichika says with a sad face, "Oh there's a combination lock". Lighting up, Yumichika dashes to the combination lock. "1101: The division he's in, and then his rank. Easy as getting Kenpachi in my bed," says Yumichika. The lock opens. He stares at the long, rectangular white box laying perfectly in the chest. He reaches down, and opens the beautifully colored white box. "OOOH! Oh how wonderful! Kenpachi wants to spice up things in our bedroom! No no no, this is definitely not a present I can open in front of everyone at my party. But knowing him he'll whip it out after the party and make sweet, strong.... passionate 500 settings of love to me!" Before the drop of drool hits the dildo, Yumichika wipes his face, closes the box, and locks the chest back into place. Joyously he dances out of Kenpachi's room.


	2. Ichigo's Secret Spot

Chp. 2: Ichigo's Secret Spot

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It's a Saturday night, and Ichigo is getting ready to have some fun. Rukia calls Orihime and tells her that Ichigo wants a girl's night out. Ichigo takes a shower and goes to his dresser drawer full of tight pleather pants. He pulls one out of the drawer and puts them on. "Rukia, what color are these pants? I can't tell with these dim lights! Are they anal sex brown, or penis pump pink?" said Ichigo.

"Oh, those are penis pump pink. I can tell by the white stain from that one Saturday night. You had one craaaazy night then!" said Rukia.

"Oh, well if that's the case, I should wear this cute shirt to go with it," Ichigo replied. He pulls out an equally tight matching pink shirt with bold, white words in the front that say "Cock Wrangler". Rukia walks out of the room and waits for Ichigo near the front door. Ichigo looks at Kon, and says, "Kon! You better be on your best behavior! It's Saturday night, and I know how drunk you get! You just better not put any more of your white "cotton" in Rukia's shoes while we're gone!"

"Hey man! It's cool... It's cool..." Kon says puffing a joint. "You want a hit?".

"Eww! I only put cute things up to my lips," replied Ichigo.

"There was nothing cute about that dude you brought home the other night. Yet you put him in your mouth".

"You shut up! He looked like Lance Bass... with that lazy eye... Mmm... Anyway, Karin will be in momentarily to play kickball with your fluffy ass!".

"Wait... who? Honestly, I'm too high to... wait, that little psychotic man bitch! Get back here NOW!!!" Kon screamed as Ichigo slammed the door on his face.

Rukia walks to the stairs and yells, "Ichigo! Hurry your gay ass up! We gotta pick up Orihime, remember?". Ichigo runs down the stairs and looks at his father reading a book. "Fuck you! And accept me for WHO I AM!" he screams. Used to it, Isshin continues reading his book. "I swear, all parents want are little conservative children," Ichigo says to Rukia while they leave.

Ichigo slams the door and they walk to Orihime's house. Rukia is about to knock on Orihime's door, but she hears some gagging noises coming from within. Rukia bangs on the door. "Orihime! Are you alright?" Rukia says frantically. Rukia hears a flush and some running water. After a minute, Orihime pops out of her house. "Sorry, like, Gawd. Can't a girl maintain her weight without like, the Rukia police force making a big, like, scene," Orihime says. "I gotta make room for like, whatever we eat tonight".

"Orihime, you know that isn't the way to lose weight! Your figure is fine. I wish I had boobies that big myself, but I'm stuck with these little kitty titties," Rukia tells Orihime. Trying to change the subject, Ichigo compliments Orihime on her shirt: "Bitch, that's a fierce shirt! I'mma steal that shit by the time this night is over". She was wearing an authentic baby blue Hollister shirt, but the fact that Orihime found a Hollister store in Japan before he did was quite impressive.

After some small talk, the gang decides to leave. Ichigo is leading the girls to a special place they have never seen. Almost near the secret location, Orihime asks, "Ichigo, like, where are we like, you know.... going?". Startling Rukia and her, Ichigo turns around quickly and starts singing, "Hey girls! I wanna take you to a gay bar! I wanna take you to a GAY bar GAY bar GAY.... *RIP* oh shit". Unfortunately, Ichigo turned around so fast that his pleather pants ripped. There were two long rips in the front starting from the thighs and going all the way down to his legs. Ichigo turns around and the girls start laughing. His buttcheeks were hanging out of the new holes in his pants. "Why the hell didn't you wear any underwear?" Rukia yelled. "For your information, it's easier access. I'm going for a personal best record tonight," Ichigo retorts. "Oh well, I guess this will just have to be assless chaps. But Rukia, remind me to go back to Sex-R-Butts tomorrow and get some more pleather babies".

Making some altercations, Ichigo covers up his accident well and walks the rest of the way proudly with his ass hanging out. They stop in front of Urahara's little shop. "Well, here we are! Our night of fun finally begins!" Ichigo says.

"Uhh... we can't have fun at a convenience store. Unless we're gonna rob it! Are we gonna rob it Ichigo?" Rukia asks.

"No! Just follow me, you dumbasses," Ichigo says.

They walk in to find Urahara and Tessai in the middle of a make-out session. "Oops, uhh.. we're sorry for coming in unannounced," Ichigo says.

"Oh no, it's fine! All the stalls in the club are currently 'preoccupied'," Urahara says.

"Wait, a club? A club! Oooh, you two own a club?!" Rukia says enthusiastically.

"Yeah! It's been up and running for a while," Tessai responds. "Ichigo's been here ever since it's opened. Plus he's been bringing in people all over. He's practically our promoter and we don't have to pay him shit!". Tessai and Urahara laugh hysterically.

"So, 300 yen for each of you, that'll be 900 yen in total please? Unfortunately we have to charge tonight, but you know why Ichigo," Urahara says. Ichigo hands over 900 yen to Urahara. "Thank you and have a nice time in... Homo Depot!".

With a flicker of his fan, a secret door opens up behind the counter to his store. A tidal wave of techno music comes pouring out of the secret entrance. "I'm coming men! Did you all miss me? My anus has missed you all too!" Ichigo says entering the club. Orihime and Rukia stare at Urahara. "Don't be shy, you'll have fun. It'll be an especially fun night for you two ladies," Urahara says to them. Rukia and Orihime enter the secret club. To their shock, another person they already know is inside and completely wasted.

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End file.
